There’s nothing like a gripping story out of Florida, where you’re just as likely to be arrested for crashing into a hot air balloon full of unicorns as you are for more common crimes, like burning down your house with a flaming alligator, or drunkenly disrupting your cousin’s wedding with an announcement that you’re already married to the bride.
Okay, those are all made up, but the headline at the top of this article most certainly is not. Cedrick Jelks (we’ll get back to that last name later) is a 38-year-old man from Jacksonville. Last Friday, Jelks left his pistol on the driver’s seat of his car, loaded with no safety on. That seems counter-intuitive, since we all know that American gun owners are the most responsible people in the world. People like the guy who just took his gun to a pro-Trump rally and ended up shooting himself with it. People like the pregnant woman who killed her boyfriend when he convinced her a book would stop the bullet.
Regardless, in this case, after sitting on the gun and taking a bullet in the Little Cedrick, he burst into the nearest house and sprinted for the bathroom, according to News 4 Jax. The woman inside, 25-year-old Shaneika Roberts, drove him to the hospital. Once there, he underwent an emergency procedure to save what was left of his manhood.
The indignity doesn’t end there. Remember that last name, Jelks? Boy, is that close to the medically-correct term for a natural form of penis enlargement. And while that’s kind of funny, what’s not funny is Mr. Jelks’ prior conviction for drug possession. As with any case involving a gunshot wound, the hospital called the police, who arrived to find a man they recognized as a frequent visitor to their facilities. That earlier drug charge meant that Jelks shouldn’t have had the gun to begin with.
I can see the state motto on a sign at the state line now…
Florida: Shoot Your Dick Off, Go To Jail.
Featured image via David Silverman/Getty Images
Andrew hates long walks on the beach, glitter, and men’s rights activists. He can usually be found with his long-suffering wife, who can usually be found asking him to please not order onions on that burger, babe.