Donald Trump increasingly uses his speeches and rallies to air grievances, rather than talk about how he’s making America great again, and of course, we all know one of his biggest “grievances” is with the media. The dishonest media. The “fake news” media. The media won’t kowtow to him the way he wants and he’s pitifully upset about that. So on Tuesday night, in Phoenix, he ranted and railed and screamed and kicked and cried about the “dishonest media” and how they must hate America because they obviously hate him.
There’s at least one member of the press who has a good response to this latest salvo from Trump. The Chicago Tribune’s Rex Huppke, known in part for his witty and sarcastic columns, decided it was high time someone in the fake news media penned an apology to Trump. Thus, he wrote one up on behalf of himself and all his fake news colleagues, and it’s absolutely hilarious.
Huppke starts with some background on Trump’s speech in Phoenix, and explains just how terrible he feels for all the pain he has caused the poor man. He says:
It was never my intention, as a journalist, to make the president of the United States feel like he’s under some form of scrutiny or that he should be held accountable for the words that fall out of his mouth.”
Then he launches into his amazing apology:
As a fake news media member in good standing, I would like to sincerely apologize for forcing you to hold a campaign rally eight months into your first term as president.
I’m sorry that in the course of that rally I forced you to misquote yourself and to devote one reference to Heather Heyer, the woman killed during the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville, versus an inordinate number of references to the journalists who cover you and your administration.”
Huppke goes on to bemoan his own callousness, his poor judgment when forcing Trump to “seem almost annoyed” that he was being asked to denounce actual hate groups, and generally victimizing Trump over his response to Charlottesville. He also expressed serious regret about making Trump say something about clean coal that was completely dunderheaded:
They’re going to take out clean coal, meaning they’re taking out coal, they’re gonna clean it.”
Huppke then listed not one, but two separate occasions in which he used – well, actually, abused – his mighty powers of telepathy:
“On two occasions, I lied to you via telepathy and convinced you that the cameras broadcasting your rally had been shut down because the media were too frightened to share your criticism of CNN and other outlets. That was transparently false, particularly since I watched the rally in its entirety on CNN. I’m sorry I made you lie about that. Twice.”
Finally, Huppke makes a hilarious promise that hits way too close to home for those of us who see Trump as he really is (which includes the mainstream media, minus Fox News and a few pundits elsewhere).
You can read the full column and laugh your ass off here.
Featured image via Chris Kleponis-Pool/Getty Images