Over the weekend, at presidential hideaway Camp David an hour north of the currently-nightmarish Washington D.C., Donald Trump took yet another opportunity to clear the air about whether or not he’s done anything wrong.
After a feverish few days of denials and blustering tweets, the president is especially sensitive about his mental acuity as it relates to the office of the presidency and any “improper” activities that may or may not have taken place in the effort to get there.
They, like, totally haven’t, he assures a wary nation.
Okay, that’s not quite what he said, but it’s close. As though his programming has somehow become even more corrupted than before, the obvious android double of Donald Trump attended a getaway at the Maryland retreat with members of his Cabinet and some top Republican members of Congress, but clearly had some trouble with the English language.
After reports surfaced that members of the administration had pressured Attorney General Jeff Sessions not to recuse himself from the ongoing Russia investigation, so that Trump would have an ally in the legal fight of his life, the president insisted in a press conference from the Naval installation that that’s just not how he does things, because you know, he doesn’t do things like that:
Everything I’ve done is 100 percent proper. That is what I do, is I do things proper.”
Miraculously, every GOP co-conspirator standing next to him at the legendary Shangri-La Of Presidents was able to somehow keep a straight face as the waxy-skinned electronic stand-in on loan from Disney attempted to address reporters in a semi-human fashion:
Just so you understand, there’s been no collusion, there’s been no crime.”
Just so you know, you know?
And while this article is obviously tongue-in-cheek and it was, unfortunately, the real Donald Trump who was at Camp David with his congressional counterparts, the quotes herein are in no way fabricated.
I guess that’s not surprising, after his Saturday morning tweet declaring himself a Very Stable Genius, but still — it never gets any easier to reconcile Donald Trump’s bizarre behavior with the fact that he currently occupies the Oval Office.
Featured image via Chris Kleponis/Pool/Getty Images
Andrew hates long walks on the beach, glitter, and men’s rights activists. He can usually be found with his long-suffering wife, who can usually be found asking him to please not order onions on that burger, babe.