Do you want all your friends to know that you not only voted for a fascist, but that you also love him enough to pay $40 for a crappy, ugly stuffed bear that looks like a slightly more attractive version of him? Well, you’re in luck now that the Trumpy Bear is coming to town.
“The wind whispered through the forest. A storm is coming. You can not defeat the storm. From the trees rose a resounding voice,” the commercial for this product we promise is actually a real thing says. “‘I fear nothing. I come when the Trumpet sounds. I am the storm. I am the great American Grizzly.”
If this sounds like the dumbest f*cking thing you’ve ever heard, remember we’re only 18 seconds into a 2-minute advertisement.
Trumpy Bear is everything you’d expect from a product designed to cater to the absolute dumbest people in our society. Not only does this…thing sport The Donald’s trademark terrible hairdo, but it’s wearing (kind of) a suit and tie.
To cater to Trump supporters’ sense of faux-patriotism, the bear was “born on Flag Day” and even sports a secret compartment
where the pee pee tapes are kept where they will be pleased to find a gratuitous flag blanket.
Like the man after whom he is modeled, Trumpy Bear demands your complete personal loyalty. The commercial says that you can “show your patriotism and proudly display Trumpy on Flag Day and on any American holiday.”
Trumpy bear also looks good sitting on the front of your motorcycle, the narrator lets you know — just in case you like driving around with a stuffed animal to show the world what a tough guy you are.
Like the real Trump, this bear can’t resist going to the golf course.
Perhaps the most asinine moment of the commercial is when an elderly woman clutches him to her chest and proudly declares “God bless America and God bless Trumpy Bear.”
Naturally, Americans are finding this to be the most hilarious thing they have ever seen:
The bear comes with a money-back guarantee, but not for the reason you’d want to return it. Anticipating the likelihood that people will buy it, burn it, and return it, the product website explicitly says that intentionally damaged bears are non-returnable:
Watch the commercial below. Vomit buckets are on the right as you enter the auditorium:
Featured image via screengrab
John Prager is an unfortunate Liberal soul who lives uncomfortably in the middle of a Conservative hellscape.
Prager spends much of his time poking Trump’s meth-addled, uneducated fans with a pointy stick and is currently writing a book of muskrat recipes (not really) as well as putting together a scrapbook of his favorite death threats. His life’s aspiration is to rule the world with an iron fist, or find that sock he’s been looking for.