On Christmas Eve, I wrote a story for you about how Donald Trump is clearly living in a bubble, detached from the outside world, and insulated from the reality around him. And while I don’t generally find myself able to conjure up a lot of sympathy for the man who’s dismantling our democracy from the inside and eroding America’s faith in the basic goodness of their fellow citizens, I’ll say this: I just can’t bring myself to hope anyone has a bad Christmas.
And yeah, of course I mean Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever it is each person celebrates — I just mean, it’s a pretty festive time of year, no matter who the president is, and I’ve seen enough people desperate and sad and lonely during the holiday season that I just don’t wish it on anyone.
But Donald Trump doesn’t seem to want to just relax and let the snow fall where it may, although I doubt any will be falling on Mar-a-Lago.
At just a few minutes before 10 PM where he is in Florida, Donald Trump still hadn’t put down his cross-shaped machine gun of Christmas greetings.
His grandkids were already sleeping somewhere, and America was dozing off itself, having taken in football, food, maybe some Christmas lights around the neighborhood, and in some houses, already opened some presents. The furthest thing from anyone’s mind was whether someone had said “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” to us while we were out doing last-minute shopping or at the grocery store picking up whipped cream and that weird wine-cheese-almond thing your Aunt Ruth likes.
Yet there he sat, angrily tweeting about being on the front lines of the brutal battle for Christmas spirit…
People are proud to be saying Merry Christmas again. I am proud to have led the charge against the assault of our cherished and beautiful phrase. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 25, 2017
…each exclamation point another rat-tat-tat from the barrel of his SleighK-47. Cherished! BOOM! Beautiful! BANG! From the front lines of his imaginary war, Donald Trump lobbed holy hand grenades until generic holiday greetings were destroyed, leaving only “Merry Christmas” in the mouths of the filthy liberal scum who may have wanted to tell their Jewish or atheist friends something, but are now forced to wave flags while reciting the lyrics to “Christmastime Is Here,” the Charlie Brown song of the season.
Here’s the thing, though.
There’s no war on Christmas. I mean, some kind of conflict exists in the minds of Fox News viewers and other assorted weirdos. I personally would never admit to a single soul that I was offended by the way someone wished me well, since that’s just about the snowflake-iest thing I can imagine. But my own daughter, just last night, told me about an old lady who came in to the retail store she worked in years ago and took offense at her saying “Happy Holidays,” prompting the manager to come over and correct her: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, you’re right, it is ‘Merry Christmas,’ and we’ll be saying that from now on.”
A war, though? Not hardly. People just need to feel like they’re being persecuted, especially when they begin to believe they’re losing the culture wars in other ways. You can actually be gay without being shunned by your community now, and there are non-Christians in elected office, and I’m pretty sure there was a show on TV like a few years back about swingers, so I get why Puritanical conservatives are worried.
But “led the charge,” Mr. Trump? Paranoid religious folk have been imagining this nonsense since at least 1959, starting with the KKK-lite John Birch Society. At 13 that year, I’m sure Little Donnie was far too concerned with getting presents to notice whether the department stores said the right thing on their banners. And besides, Trump swung both ways through the years:
Wishing everyone a very Happy Holiday season!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 23, 2010
Let’s put this whole thing to bed, and get some sugarplums back in those heads.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Featured image via Al Drago/Pool/Getty Images